shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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