just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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