when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
