closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
