So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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