I think I just saw someone hide a body.
its not stalking. its research.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
