I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
