Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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