I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She told me I should be a condom model.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
