i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
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if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
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I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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