Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
