If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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