Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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