I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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