well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
