Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
