apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
