I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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