Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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