I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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