Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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