I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
