I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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