the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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