guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
