u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
