Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
