Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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