Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
