we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
so much tequila, so little girl.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
