It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Randomize
