is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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