So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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