I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
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Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
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I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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