if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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