guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
