Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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