I accidentally had phone sex last night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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