I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
