he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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