I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
