Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
3pm strippers are depressing
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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