I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
