Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
