I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
my poor anus
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
