You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
