I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
