the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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