Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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