Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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