why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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