Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
