I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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