I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
