First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
