Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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