It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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