I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
