It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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